Living with cerebral palsy (CP) means risk taking. Risks which will shape your character and develop you into the person you want to become. While essential to your development, risk taking creates uncertainty. Leading to anxiety, self-doubt, fear, and more surrounding you.
Time to run those negative emotions off because the calvary has arrived! I am here, backed by my firsthand experiences living with spastic hemiplegia CP. Together we seek to provide encouragement and empowerment. If that sounds good to you, keep reading.
Facing the Inevitable
To risk repeating myself too early in this post, living with CP means risk taking. You possess no choice. One way or another you find yourself taking a risk. Cerebral palsy makes risk taking inevitable.
For instance, travel back in time with me to Monday, June 6th, 2005. Graduation day for Charles F. Brush High School class of 2005. Draped in my gold graduation gown, I stood outside the school’s gymnasium. I had just checked in. Next, I needed to board the school bus which would shuttle us downtown for our commencement. Simple enough, right?
Maybe for my able bodied peers, but not me. Between the gymnasium and bus stood one giant obstacle. Stairs without railings! An afterthought to my classmates, those steps left me frozen. Cornered by risk.
Mandatory Risk Taking
Whatever action I took next mandated taking a risk. Turn to a classmate and ask for a hand to descend the stairs? What if the person laughs at me and says no? Or, supplies the helping hand while simultaneously silently judging me. Quietly labelling me as weak and fragile.
Meanwhile, I could attempt the descent on my own. Risking physical harm to myself if I lose my balance and tumble down the stairs. Turning celebration to soreness, or worse.
See! Risk had me cornered. Looking back now, choosing which risk to take feels obvious. The 38-year old me says, “Ask for a helping hand.” However, the 18-year old me chose to risk physical harm. Still concerned about blending in and being like everyone else.
Thankfully, I conquered those steps maintaining my balance. Remaining upright and bruise free. Nevertheless, that moment still left a mark on me.
Invisible Scars
High school graduation among other teenage memories scarred me. Not like the scar which runs down my spine from the back surgery I underwent at 14 years old, but rather invisible scars. My teenage years leaving lasting impressions unnoticeable to most people. Unless you read my teenage memoir Off Balanced.
Book plug aside, these wounds typically resulted from other mandatory risk taking. For example, going to the 2002 Cleveland Auto Show with a friend and another classmate. Quickly I found myself falling behind. I could speak up and ask my friend to slow down. Risking coming across as a burden to the other two’s good time.
Or I could stay quiet and do my best to keep up. In exchange risking getting separated. Lost amid a large crowd with no cellphone to use to easily reconnect.
Guess which risk I took? If you guessed risk getting lost in the large crowd, you know me so well! At least the teenage version. I am completely different today. Although, only due to my risk taking choices.
Character Evolution
Through my risk taking choices I evolved. High school graduation served as a turning point. Not the moment descending stairs, but the event’s overall significance. Reflecting on the risks I chose over the years, I realized how I grew to become an introvert. While a quiet keep to yourself existence may please some, I felt unsatisfied. Unfilled I dare say!
Starting in college I approached the mandatory risk taking cerebral palsy put in my way differently. An approach implemented as soon as Welcome Weekend. I decided to attend the weekend’s shopping trip. Feet away from the meeting spot where others already lingered and SPLAT! Overlooking a small step down, I fell.
Hard too! A graduate assistant (GA) came over and walked me to the Residence Life office to get cleaned up. Afterwards, she asked if I planned to go on the shopping trip. Once more cornered by risk! I say yes and return out there, I risk embarrassment. Opening myself to ridicule from those who saw my fall. If I say no and retreat to my room, I risk missing out on an opportunity not to just shop but more importantly the opportunity to make new friends.
Risking embarrassment I returned to the meeting spot. Rather than ridicule, I enjoyed friendly interactions. Beginning to develop lasting friendships, some still intact to this day. Decades later!
Continuous Chances
As years pass and become decades risk will continue to sneak up and corner you. Heck! Any time someone wants to go somewhere new, mandatory risk taking surfaces. Decline the invite and risk missing out on a good time with friends and/or family. Decide to go and risk getting dupped by the new environment filled with who knows what accessibility issues and hidden tripping hazards. Comparable to my fall Welcome Weekend.
If imagining going somewhere new sets off anxiety and fear, stop. Breathe. Relax. Slow down the risk taking process. That might mean going somewhere new with a friend or family member you possess the utmost trust in. Navigate the environment with them. Grow familiar and decide whether to go back with someone else.
Gradually easing yourself in helps you keep calm. My friend directs dinner theater, which includes a chance for audience members to come up on stage and sing karaoke. The first time I went to the show, I passed on the karaoke. Partly so I could grow familiar with the venue.
The second time around? I eagerly volunteered, telling the cast members soliciting for volunteers “I’ll do it, but I’ll need a hand on and off the stage.” Knowing from the previous show, the stage has three steps with no handrails. By asking for a hand, I risked looking vulnerable. Shy away from taking the stage though and I risked losing out on potential memories.
Choosing Your Risk!
To reiterate one last time, living with cerebral palsy means risk taking. Moments will arise where risks corner you. Forcing you to take one or another. The risks you choose will shape the person you become.
Please keep the conversation going. In the “Comments” share a time risk had you cornered and what risk you chose. How did that decision help shape your character?
Until next time, don’t blend in. Blend out!
-Zachary
